Defeat
by Desdemona85
Summary: ...This is the end of me Jane, I can feel it!” “Then it shall be the end of me as well! I cannot be without you, I refuse to…”


**Disclaimer: I donnot own Twilight nor am I claiming to by any chance... **

**My muse must've been in a very good mood today cause I thought I'd give Jane her moment of joy, shatter Aro's perfect control... oh, well! Read and review.**

**I just hope I didn't manage to include all the cliches... lol**

Defeat. How strangely common this has this word become to me lately. Ever since Isabella Swan… well Cullen currently, has entered our world and our lives.

She's talented, gifted, just as me and my brother… I would not admit this to anyone, of course but I understand why Aro has accepted to be defied and defeated twice already by the Cullens. He hopes one day they will join us… I swear to God he is this stupid optimist sometimes.

The Cullens will never join us, they needn't us. They've got everything in their perfect little world!

So once again I swallowed both my pride and my thirst for vengeance and came back home.

We wouldn't have survived that. Aro's move was justified, his self preserving instinct beats his pride and he never bothered with grudges or vengeance. He's much too strong willed for letting stupid feelings get in his way.

Unlike me!

I am well known for how my temper flares… for how my emotions always lead the way… it's just who am. But how I wish I would change that, how I wish my world wouldn't revolve around him anymore, how I wish I would just stop feeling this idiotic consuming, raging love towards my savior, my friend, my master.

I am nothing but a child to him… although he never treats me like one. I am certain of that. I can't explain why he chose to ignore my feelings in any other way.

It surely isn't out of love for Sulpicia, that I am certain of. She was just a most convenient choice at the time. But if she stood in the way, she could be easily disposed of and he would not end up a wreck like Marcus as a consequence of that.

It never ceases to amaze me, the control my beloved has over his own heart… I long for that discipline sometimes… some others, most times actually, I just long for him. I long for him to be mine, to belong to me, to love me.

I am hopeless, I seek my own misery! It cannot be. It simply cannot be!

Even if I were changed let's say at least three or four years later than I was… even if by all rules and laws I would've been more an adult than a fourteen years old little girl, he wouldn't have seen me in any other way. He wouldn't have been stupid enough to fall in love with me… Never! Not Aro! Anyone else perhaps, but not Aro!

I laugh bitterly at the thought and the bell-like sound seems so alien to me… it's been so long since I have actually laughed at all.

Sure at that time at fourteen I was considered perfectly apt for marriage and bearing children… but he only saw me as a child.

He keeps reminding me that, keeps apologizing for changing us so young… I guess he's just trying to keep me from falling apart which would inevitably lead to losing a most precious piece of his collection. For that is what I am to him, a precious, beautiful tool. I bring him power, I protect him… I make others fear him.

But I am not sure I can keep myself together much longer… I am dying inside day by day, each time I look at him, each time I use my "gift"… if I am lucky I'll end up like Marcus… void of all emotion besides grief.

Oh, but I am not Marcus! I would die. I need emotion as humans need air. I need to feel… everything, anything!

But for now I experience love and pain with same passion and violence I have when I realized I loved him. I am still alive… for how long I don't know…but for now…

I love him. I love him. I love him with a passion that will end me sooner or later… I love him so it hurts my very soul… and what does he do?

Ignore it! He surely knows vampires don't have crushes… he knows I am his for eternity… for as long as I will exist anyway…

I have never actually thought those words before… of course I had felt that way for as long as I can remember but… I believe the remains of my self-preserving instincts and rational thought have kept me from it but lately…

When Bella and Edward Cullen threw into my face their sick, hopeless yet perfect romance… the clouds upon my feelings have been raised and I ended up like this… perfectly aware of my love for Aro… perfectly aware of how hopeless it is. And I have never endured greater pain…

"Jane…" his voice filled with concern interrupts my thoughts.

"Aro… master…" I reply unable to compose my apathy mask anymore, nor willing to for that matter. So instead I keep gazing through the window rather than look at him.

"You haven't been feeding ever since we returned from Forks. You worry me, dear one…"

"If Alec asked you to find out what's happening to me I would rather not having him know!" I said firmly, angrily almost. Anger took over whenever I had no other option, whenever I didn't know a way out. And I had no way out of this whatsoever.

"Alec has nothing to do with this, Jane." He cut me off walking towards me. "I am concerned, you must know by now I care for you…"

"No, you don't!" I turned to look him in the eyes, furiously but I was shocked to meet so familiar pitch black irises and violet shades around his eyes. I saw this on my own face every day… it looks like I wasn't the only one skipping 'meals'.

"You don't know anything at all, do you, Jane?" he questioned sighing and shaking his head in disapproval.

"You… you should feed…" I murmured worriedly. He truly didn't look like the annoyingly happy Aro I was used to… last time he was like this was when his sister passed… and I had a pretty good idea of how exactly Didyme has perished… it was guilt back then that was tormenting him. But he pushed it aside as he's always done with feelings. I bet those who wouldn't know better took it for grief.

"That can wait, Jane. There are far more serious issues troubling me." he said sincerely.

"Far more serious than thirst… I am sure it is not so. Heidi should be back any minute now… you should be with the others…" I began. He was hurting himself, it was ridiculous. Of course no one would be surprised if I did that to myself but Aro? Never!

"My point exactly!" he replied forcing a smile.

"I'm not coming Aro… I'm not in the mood." I said turning away from him. So that was it? He came to drag me down there so I would feed. He gently seized my shoulders and turned me to face him.

"It's the last thing I came for, dear Jane!" he said finally getting all my thoughts. So this was it. He had it now, not guesses, not fugitive confused thoughts of a teenager, but the very confession. How many times did I think 'I love him' today?

"I didn't count." He whispered forcing another smile as he gently cupped my face with his right hand, while his left still rested gently on my shoulder. "What am I going to do with you Jane?" he questioned almost painfully. I took in a sharp breath waiting for the rejection to end me.

"I am afraid I am most incapable to act as you expect me to, my dear." His words were barely a whisper. He seemed insecure, vulnerable. Defeated? "Although, it would be most conveniently for me to do so… "

And then silence, dark, heavy, deafening silence.

"Do it already! Break me… I…" I hesitated then looked up to meet his gaze. . "You should've let me die… we should've died… that's how it was supposed to be, isn't it? This is my punishment, this life… the solitude… the unrequited love. I was not meant exist, isn't it?"

I wish I could've cried… I simply choked out those words and it was like I was ripping out my heart with each one of them. They were true! I was supposed to die in the fire…he played with fate and I were to pay the price. I leaned in and embraced him desperately, not wanting to let go… I was driving myself insane this way but I couldn't care less. He didn't push me away although he knew my thoughts, my fantasies… my delusions, my wishes…

My thoughts drifted to that morning on the stake again. I wish the flames consumed me, I wish I died then.

"No, Jane! No! "He firmly dismissed all those thoughts of my death that ran through my mind. "I couldn't allow it!" he added.

"Why?"

"It's complicated, Jane… I was selfish. I couldn't lose you." He said sighing and I slipped away from him.

"You knew! You knew what I was to become! You knew of my power!"

"Of course I knew you would be gifted, dear one!"

"How could you?!? You couldn't lose such a weapon, is that it? I never had a chance at life anyway! I were bound to be a vampire, you just waited for the safe age to turn us. I would've been stuck in misery and this loveless existence anyway! How could you, Aro? Who gave you the right?" I was desperate. I never meant anything, I never will. I was a precious tool, a precious beautiful, angelic tool. He never cared. And I loved him… always had and always would. And I would be forever convicted to knowing him another's, not by necessity or love but by his own choice. And still I loved him so it hurt my soul… if I had one. I believe I do… I would not love so much if I hadn't.

"Jane… you got it all wrong." he said, looking almost resigned. "You were just too young, Jane… you are too young."

"Kill me now, Aro. It's how it's supposed to be. Please kill me now!"

"Don't be ridiculous! You know I can't!" he sounded so pained by my request. "I cannot kill you Jane; I couldn't if I wanted to… You don't understand… "

"No, I don't! You took my life away from me… you took my own death away from me to turn me into a glorified watchdog! "I was angry and desperate and in such torment. "I love you, and it kills me, can't you see? I'll end up like Marcus, Aro! I'll be a useless shell soon enough!" I sobbed again and pulled away when he tried to touch me. "Have you no mercy at all? Have you no heart?" I was breaking down, I basically begged him to end me.

"Jane, please stop. I cannot endure seeing you like this. Please, Jane!" he pleaded and seized my shoulders gently, as if I would break like glass at firmer touch.

"You really don't get it, do you Jane?" he questioned softly, his gaze, inescapable. "I always thought I managed to fool fate, Jane… by disposing of my feelings, by will, discipline, by marrying a woman that would never endanger nor my position nor my sanity as it did in Marcus' case. A woman I could lose and live through it." He laughed bitterly letting go of me and turning his gaze to the empty grey wall behind him.

"Truth is we can't fool fate. But we pay a very high price if trying to. And I am now paying… I cannot deny that I deserve it but you… Oh, you have done nothing wrong Jane. You deserved better than this!"

"I am not sure I understand what you are saying… I cannot change the fact that I am in love with you Aro! I… I never chose to… it just happened… I know it wasn't supposed to happen! I know!" For a dead, unbeating heart, it surely hurt as hell when it broke in pieces.

"Jane, Jane… always jumping to conclusions, always thinking so little of yourself!" he said bitterly amused. "It was exactly what was supposed to happen, my beautiful Jane! Don't you see? You are mine, Jane… as I am yours… Fate played a cruel little joke on us."

"What are you saying?" Did that mean he loved me, how is he mine… how…? I was unable to form coherent thoughts. This made no sense.

"It makes perfect sense!" he said fingertips barely caressing my temple, my cheek, my chin and then his hand rested on my neck. "And it does mean I love you! Not by choice, not by accident, by fate! You are my mate, I'm afraid."

"What kind of cruel game is this?"

"Cruel game, indeed." He sighed and then continued. " I knew, Jane. I always knew, ever since Eleazar saw you'd be gifted, both of you. Marcus saw something else the moment I changed you… I didn't understand it fully back then, the strong bond he saw between the two of us... But the more I thought of it, the clearer it got. I would lie to say I wasn't terrified by what the outcome might've been if Marcus was right. And Marcus is always right!

I would be just as weak and vulnerable as any other… all those schemes, plans to fool fate would prove useless. I were to fall in love with you and ruin everything I tried to build…

You were right Jane, earlier… we were waiting for you and your brother to grow… we weren't in any hurry to change you…"

"But then they decided to burn us…" I choked out and he nodded. "We were turning fourteen that day, did you know? What a lovely birthday present!"

"I know." He simply stated pulling me into a protective embrace. "Never think that you should've died then, Jane! Do you hear me? Never!" he kissed the top of my head and I just leaned into him. Good Lord, what was going to come out of this?

"I would've ended up like Marcus if you did." he added to my total shock. I had so many questions… yet I couldn't make up a single one of them in my head.

"Just listen for now, alright?" he whispered in my hair. "I thought that by changing you then I was once again able to avoid fate… I hoped at some point that being so young, you will not develop romantic feelings… how painfully idiotic of me! You were a teenager; of course you would fall in love! But denial and ignorance seemed like a better choice at the time." He laughed bitterly again. "For someone known as extremely intelligent I have been utterly stupid to think I would manage not love you this way, to think that you would not love me when our ties were so obvious from the very moment we met…"

"What now, Aro?"

"I cannot deny this anymore than you do Jane and…" I didn't need any other words… I lifted a ridiculously trembling hand to caress his face. My whole being was tingling with emotion… my thoughts were clouded, the only clear thing being 'he loves me, he loves me, he loves me'.

He closed his eyes and leaned into my touch then caught my hand and pressed a kiss in my palm.

"I have no idea what to do Aro… I... What am I to do with you?" it was my turn to ask that question. He smiled leaning in and brushing his lips against mine which already made a new wave of emotion storm into my already clouded mind.

"As much as I would like a choice I have none, Jane! I am yours to do as you please with me." he replied and the next moment my stupid, emotional, vivid fantasies took over my mind making him smile again to my total embarrassment.

"I see you have more than one idea of what to do." He couldn't help teasing before kissing me again.

"Mind reader… of all things I had to love a mind reader!" I mumbled amusing him even more.

"Jane… this is serious… this…" he stopped abruptly looking me in the eyes. I did not plan this… all I know is that I cannot lose you…"

"You won't!"

"Jane… if anyone would ever find out…They would use you to get to me…they would hurt you to get to me. I know how these schemes work Jane… I pulled the strings way too many times not to be aware of…"

"If I mean anything, you will stop reasoning this very moment!" I said. Couldn't he just let me enjoy this? Let us face tomorrow, tomorrow. Now I couldn't care less if the world would end. I wouldn't be aware of it.

"You don't mean anything, Jane! You ARE everything! And it terrifies me, this kind of involvement, the power you have over me. It's what I always tried to avoid Jane… and now I am unwilling to even try… it will be the end of me. This is the end of me Jane, I can feel it!"

"Then it shall be the end of me as well! I cannot be without you, I refuse to…" I said firmly kissing him.

"No! Not the end of you! Never the end of you!" he said passionately. "I won't let anything harm you… "

"Aro, I am your guard, not the other way around, and I am perfectly capable of taking care of myself, thank you!" I teased with a grin. If I had managed to die then I must've been a very good cause this was heaven.

"You're alive!" he whispered kissing my forehead and I sighed.

"You need to feed… perhaps you should join the others…" I began reluctantly knowing his absence, unlike mine, will not pass unnoticed.

"I'd rather be with you, without worrying for interruptions." He murmured kissing me lightly again. "But we can join the others if you like… "

"I'm fine! Thirst can wait." I cut him off and he kissed me again. Thirst and the whole world were forgotten… at least by me. At least for now, I had everything that ever mattered. For how long, I don't know, nor am I planning to find out, not now. Now there's just him…

Once again I've been defeated by my own feelings and perhaps this sort of defeat wasn't so hard to handle anyway…


End file.
